The door to the attic. Today was my birthday. I was looking for my gifts. I looked into the room. I spotted a box covered in silver paper and had a ribbon on the top. I rush up to it and opened the lid. …Empty. What a surprise! I hear a car. I shut the door to the attic and run. That night, while I ate a slice of cake, my sister pulled the present. She told me to open it. I opened the box, expecting it to still be empty. But when I opened it a puppy jumped out!
Very sweet story, it made me smile! I like the way you used short sentences to add suspense. The first sentence is especially good to set the scene. Just make sure you use past tense all the way through- so instead of “I rush up to it”, you would write “I rushed up to it”. Keep up the good work!